The secret to calming a dysregulated child – no one talks about this. Here’s the thing about dysregulation that no one tells you. It’s not just about your child being difficult. It’s their inner being crying out for help in the only way it knows how at that moment. And guess what? The way most of us have been taught to respond is actually making it worse.
Let’s change that.
Timeouts
Why timeouts don’t work and what does? “Just give them a timeout.” Sound familiar? But here’s what’s wild. Studies show that timeouts can increase dysregulation in kids with autism or sensory challenges. Why? Because isolation raises their stress levels even more. So what works instead?
Co-regulation. It’s not about just stepping back, it’s about stepping in with calm, passionate guidance.
Neurology of dysregulation
When your child is dysregulated, their brain is in full-on fight, flight, or sometimes even freeze mode. Logic and reasoning are out the window. They’re not choosing this behavior. It’s a neurological response.
Fix it
Here’s the mistake even the most loving parents, teachers, therapists, principals, and even some doctors make. Jumping straight in to fix it. “Let’s fix it. Let’s stop this.” But trying to solve the problem too soon actually sends the message:
- Your feelings aren’t valid
- Hurry up we don’t have time for this
- You can control this
- You’re being bad.
They’re not being bad. We don’t want our children to think that they are bad people.
Co-regulation
So instead of jumping into fix-it mode, start with connection. And I realize that’s a little difficult at first. When your child is dysregulated, you might feel like you need a quick fix, especially if you’re out in public. But what truly helps is co-regulation, a strategy backed by neuroscience. Here’s how it works:
First, bring your own nervous system to a calm state. Can you do that? If not, how can you expect your child to do that? So you can do deep breathing or grounding exercises, fidget toys, squeeze toys. Notice these are all portable options, easy to do anywhere. Once you’re calm, then invite your child to join.
A simple effective tool is “match and lead”. Match their energy, whether that’s intense or withdrawn, and then gently guide them to a calmer state if they’re ready to engage.
Sometimes kids want to work it out themselves and you could guide them by just saying, “I’m here for you. When you need me, I’m right here.”
Deeper causes
This regulation doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Many times what’s happening inside the body, health issues that might not be immediately obvious, play a significant role in how your child feels and behaves.
Gut health
For example, gut health is directly linked to brain function. If your child is dealing with food intolerances, imbalances in gut bacteria, or chronic inflammation, it can amplify these sensory sensitivities and emotional outbursts.
Sleep
And let’s not forget about sleep. Poor sleep isn’t just about being tired. It disrupts how the brain processes emotions and manages stress.
Deficiencies
Even nutrient deficiencies like low iron or low vitamin D, which are very common, can quietly contribute to heightened irritability and reduced focus, all making dysregulation much more prevalent to happen.
Overcoming dysregulation
Here’s a fact that might surprise some of you. 37 percent of children diagnosed with autism eventually lose their diagnosis. Let that sink in. This isn’t just about masking or outgrowing autism. It’s about real, measurable progress in skills, communication, and behavior. Progress is possible. What makes the difference for these kids?
Great question. It’s a combination of factors, like
- targeted therapies,
- health interventions,
- the right educational approaches at the right time, and
- a deep understanding of their unique strengths and challenges.
Here’s the thing. These breakthroughs didn’t happen by chance. They happened because parents like you became relentless in their search for answers.
This isn’t about false hope or empty promises. It’s about evidence-based strategies and a willingness to explore. Whether it’s addressing the underlying health conditions, finding the right educational approach, or harnessing the power of neuroplasticity, the potential for growth is real.
Strategies
Let’s talk about real practical strategies that you can start using today to help your child regulate based on solid science and proven results.
Sensory breaks
It sounds kind of odd to use a term like that. So don’t get put off by the word. So don’t get put off by the word sensory and the phrase sensory breaks as if it’s something ridiculous and extravagant. It’s not.
Children with autism often get overwhelmed by sensory input. Again, a lot of times it has to do with health issues.
Research shows that sensory breaks, which just means simple calming activities can be a game changer. These breaks give your child’s brain a chance to reset, and relax, reducing stress, and therefore being able to improve focus.
Practical tip
Create a quiet, sensory-friendly space in your home, or find one that your child could access at school.
Now what helps as a sensory break for each child is up to the child, right? So you definitely want to get their input, but you can fill it with soft toys, calming music, and different light experiences. You want to find out what works for your child.
When your child starts to feel overwhelmed, you can begin to guide them to the space for a few minutes to recharge. And eventually, they’ll learn how to do this on their own, which is really the key.
Deep pressure and proprioceptive input
Another option is deep pressure and proprioceptive input. Deep pressure, like hugs or weighted blankets, helps calm the nervous system by promoting relaxation. Proprioceptive input, activities that involve heavy lifting or jumping, think about jumping on the trampoline, helps children with autism feel more grounded and in control.
Practical tip
Try incorporating deep-pressure activities into your child’s day. See if they like it. See if using a weighted blanket or a vest or t-shirt helps. You can also get one of the compression shirts that is used in the military for muscle recovery because it gives that sense of pressure.
You could even have them carry a heavy book bag or just give them a gentle bear hug when they’re stressed. See if that resonates with your child.
These activities help reduce anxiety and help them regain emotional control. And remember, these are all things that you can try yourself as well.
Mindfulness and breathing exercises
Mindfulness and simple breathing exercises are incredibly effective for managing anxiety and improving emotional regulation for us parents and also for our kids.
Studies have shown that mindfulness can reduce meltdowns and help children with autism feel more centered.
Practical tip
Practice a simple breathing exercise together. Breathe in for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. Breathe out for four seconds and hold for four seconds. It’s called box breathing.
This can be done anytime, anywhere with your child when they start to feel anxious or upset. Same with you. So when they’re starting to melt down, you can be like, “Alright, I need to start box breathing so I can center myself and then I can handle this situation the way I want to.”
Make it a routine for them, but also for yourself so they know how to calm themselves when stress builds up. You want to teach them these skills when they’re young.
Dietary considerations
Believe it or not, what your child eats can significantly impact how they regulate their emotions. We know it. We sometimes might not want to acknowledge it.
Research shows that the state of the gut can directly affect brain function. So supporting gut health is essential.
Practical tip
Explore how you can have your child’s diet be rich in
- omega 3 fatty acids,
- probiotics, and
- anti-inflammatory foods, which can help improve your child’s emotional regulation.
- Also, be mindful of reducing processed sugars and artificial additives, which may contribute to mood swings. You’ll go through a little period where there’s a withdrawal, but on the other side of that, much better health.
Slow and steady
These strategies are simple, I know, but they can make a big difference when practiced consistently. Your child’s journey to emotional regulation doesn’t have to be overwhelming. It can be a step-by-step process. Start small. Stay consistent and track their progress, and yours too! Remember, the secret is to not jump in immediately to your child’s dysregulation and try to fix it.
Helping your child with emotional regulation is a journey, but you’re not alone. Every parent faces their own challenges, but by using science-backed strategies, listening to your child’s needs most definitely, and being proactive about their health, you can help them thrive.
Remember, 37 percent of children with autism lose their diagnosis over time. Your child can experience progress, sometimes maybe even more than you may realize. That’s why it’s so important to explore every avenue and try different strategies, but have a good strategy, and track the changes you see.
Confused by all the information about autism? I’ve got you. Click the link to see how we can work together. Let me break down the science and provide you with clear actionable steps to make your path forward easier.
